Top Five films from 2015 I’ve happened to see thus far.

The months of January through October are generally reserved for small films, films the studio doesn’t believe in, and dumb summer blockbusters, so already this list completely doesn’t matter. Here are my five favorite films so far anyway, in order of their release. Hold onto your hats, for next week I’ll share the five worst. We might need a bigger boat for that one.

1. Mad Max: Fury Road 

The Future Belongs to the mad. 

Let’s just say I have a picture of Tom Hardy’s pensive, brooding face for my laptop background. He looks at me like he wants me but is too tired to make love. Men who are threatened and intimidated by the girl power message but don’t know how to express their feelings say things like, “Gosh. Max is barely even the star of the movie.” That’s true. Charlize Theron and her sexy missing arm is the star of the movie. I have a fetish for people with missing limbs. I imagine the different attachments you could affix to the stub, and I fear intimacy with animate objects. Anyway, duh. Obviously. Mad Max: Fury Road is the best action film in years. Read my original review here. 

Boy movie meter: 60%. Despite the feminist angle, there’s an awful lot of car chases and side boob.

2. It Follows 

It doesn’t think. It doesn’t feel. It doesn’t give up. 

Even the poster doesn't suck.
Even the poster doesn’t suck.

At least somebody around here hasn’t forgotten that it’s really cool to see a frightened girl running through a Detroit suburb in high heels, only to be murdered by an unseen and malevolent force. Such is the subject of David Robert Mitchell’s genuinely frightening movie. Seriously. All other modern horror films belong in the garbage in comparison to this. Why not check out my original review and this YouTube video on the subject while we’re at it.

Boy movie meter: 45%. We’re following a female heroine, after all. Her sexuality is on notice. Jezebel ought to have some belligerent and incorrect opinion on it.

3. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl 

A little friendship never killed anyone. 

Sickeningly self referential, I know, but stick with me.
Sickeningly self referential, I know, but stick with me.

Holy fuck, I did not want to see this movie. Firstly, I hate teens. Secondly, call me old fashioned, but cancer bums me out. And thirdly, I have an unfavorable opinion of the film’s lead, Thomas Mann, who has starred in two previous films that make me want to throw up. 1. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, about kids in a mental hospital. LoL, not. and 2. Project X, a found footage romp featuring despicable teenagers who gain popularity and fame by throwing an idiotic party. Project X has the cinematography of a horror film without the consolation of anyone dying.

Anyway, my presuppositions were not fair, because this movie turned out to be surprisingly intelligent, funny and well made. It’s the Juno of teen cancer films. Fans of cinema will enjoy the many reference to classic and contemporary film. And if you’re not a fan of film, get the fuck out the club. Read my original review!

Boy movie meter: 22%. I didn’t hear any men weeping wildly in the theater, let’s put it that way.

4. Love and Mercy 

The Life, Love and Genius of Brian Wilson. 

I may not always love you.
I may not always love you.

Here’s another film I didn’t want to see because I didn’t feel like feeling, and yet it won me over. If you didn’t like the Beach Boys before, that’s lame, but an easy enough mistake if all you have to go on is “Barbara Ann.” If you don’t like them after this film, well. You may have other good qualities. My friend Crispin told me a story about running into Brian Wilson at a drug store once. He went out of his way to get in line behind him so he could talk to his hero. He said, “I’m a big fan of your work” or whatever the fuck you say to a rock legend. Brian Wilson was very nice. Afterwards, Crispin watched Wilson go out to the parking lot, get in his car and stare into space for an hour. The lesson of the story is that nothing ever makes anyone happy. The lesson of the movie is that a romance with Elizabeth Banks may be the only thing that could ever make a person happy. Love and Mercy is a smart, tender, heartbreaking film with a lot of good music and feeling. My review. 

Boy movie meter: 50%. My unfair presumption that men care more about music than women is tempered by the film’s central romance to form a perfect, gender-neutral circle.

5. Trainwreck 

We all know one. 

I don't know why she has to wave her finger at me like that, though.
I don’t know why she has to wave her finger at me like that, though.

I saw this movie weeks before it came out at a film premiere in Seattle that I won tickets to on twitter. I should lie and tell you I had press credentials or something, but alas, I am nothing and no one. I took a picture of the cast that Judd Apatow retweeted, and that may be as good as life ever gets. My original review may be a little too effusive in its praise, but what can I say. I love boozy sluts and the films they star in. It’s just my bad luck that I’m not attracted to Bill Hader, so in my case, the com appeals more than the rom. Amy Schumer, on the other hand, looks even better in underwear than I originally supposed.

Drops mic.
Drops mic.

Boy movie meter: 49%. Ordinarily romantic comedies skew lady, but there’s a lot of shit about sports in this one. LeBron James has a prominent role with many lines spoken out loud. He’s not the worst. I mean, in this movie he’s not the worst. In real life he’s the absolute worst. You heard it here first: LeBron James is bad at basketball.

Dorothy did not care for any of the films.

Fuck these movies.
Fuck these movies.
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