This Lady Watched Several Horror Films For Halloween Instead Of Living. You’ll Never Believe What Happened Next.

 

My first thought after compiling this list was, oh no. I only watched 12 horror films. That means that in the last six weeks I’ve dedicated a mere 24 hours of my life to the pursuit of art made of garbage. I feel a lot of guilt about that. Here they are anyway, in no particular order.

 

1. The Guest (2014)

Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body.

 

The guy from “Downton Abbey” plays a humorless soldier with a screw loose that makes him kill people, it’s like The Manchurian Candidate.  He lost all the fat on his body for the role. They shot this scene first to make sure they got the lighting right on the muscles and no calories seeped into his body during subsequent shooting. The female gaze. Never heard of it. Do you remember Bruce Willis shirtless in the 1980s? At least now we can all feel bad about ourselves. On Netflix.

 

2. Crimson Peak (2015) 

There's a hole in the ceiling.
Spoiler alert: There’s a hole in the mansion’s ceiling.

 

In theaters now! I saw this at 10 am on a sunday to review it for the newspaper, making it the earliest time on record that I’ve ever left home. Crimson Peak is to Guillero Del Toro the moth they found in the throat in The Silence of the Lambs: “Somebody grew this guy, fed him honey and nightshade. Kept him warm. Somebody loved him.” And it has just enough bloody violence that it can still be jerked off to. See, that was a Halloween prank. You can’t unread that sentence.

 

3. Tales From the Darkside (1990) 

That's my wife.
That’s my wife.

 

Only the third story in this collection is scary. And if you haven’t seen it I don’t want to tell you anything. Available on Netflix.

 

4. Creepshow (1982)

Lot of severed heads in this one.
Lot of severed heads in this one.

 

I like horror pictures told in short story format. Stephen King grows moss all over his body and home until he’s consumed and dies I guess. That would upset me. A madman buries Ted Danson in a hole on the beach. Tales From the Darkside is functionally Creepshow 3, does that interest you?

 

5. Teeth (2007) 

That guy plays a doctor in Synecdoche, New York as well.
That guy plays a doctor in Synecdoche, New York as well.

 

Teeth is the one you haven’t watched on Netflix about the girl with teeth in her vagina. It’s not as bad as you feared. The tone reminds me of Welcome to the Dollhouse combined with Blue Velvet. I don’t know who Jess Weixler is, but she’s doing some next level shit with her face as the christian teen who’s all about waiting for marriage. The teeth come out when the boys line up one after the other to sexually harrass that vag. In this way, Teeth reminds me most of Death Wish.
*This film includes a bonus rottweiler in the second and third acts.

 

6. Braindead aka Dead Alive (1992) 

Dead_Alive___Braindead_(1992)

 

You gotta see that cover, otherwise you’d have no idea what the fuck I was talking about. I agree with the box that this is a very gory film. The gore begins and it’s just one thing after another, for like 40 goddamn minutes, maybe more. I don’t remember anything about the plot. Peter Jackson directs and it’s before LOTR so get ready for New Zealand accents. This would be a good film to put on in the background at a Halloween party if you want to make all of your guests throw up. That’s a super mean thing to say about a movie.

 

7. Killer Workout aka Aerobicide (1987) 

This photo is either from Killer Workout, the porn they shot next door, or both.
This photo is either from Killer Workout, the porn they shot next door, or both.

 

Here’s the second in our series of films with two different titles for no known reason. The best thing about Killer Workout are the killer aerobic workouts. I watched this movie because the fellas at We Hate Movies Podcast told me to, and it was great. Just great.

 

8. Death Spa (1989) 

Really cool people, working out.
Really cool people, working out.

 

Death Spa and Killer Workout have a lot in common. They’re both set in fitness clubs in the 1980s in which the many murders committed during business hours inside the gym in broad daylight does nothing to curtail attendance. Both films have twin sibling murder plots and both feature violence against women in tanning beds. While Killer Workout has the better uninterrupted aerobics scenes (as I have repeatedly said), Death Spa has better kills. I watched this film because of the well known podcast, How Did This Get Made? 

 

9. The Prowler (1981)

You get it.
You get it.

 

The ghoul is a war vet and people die. It’s like I Know What You Did Last Summer without the 1990s fucking everything up.

 

10. Honeymoon (2014) 

hero_Honeymoon-2014-1

 

The screen was too dark. I couldn’t see what anyone was saying. Plus I didn’t care for her even before she got the demon seed. I didn’t like her jokes, delivery or whimsy. It’s a shame, what happens to him, but maybe for the best. On Netflix.

 

11. Creep (2014)

creep

 

Is there anything Mark Duplass won’t do? Found footage. Please. Never has there once been an actual case of “found footage” that resulted in a horror movie. The final couple shots of this film though, I have to admit. I enjoyed. On Netflix.

 

12. Goodnight Mommy aka Ich Seh Ich Seh (2014)

Nothing weird about twins.
Nothing weird about twins.

 

Ich Seh Ich Seh means “I see, I see.” But you can’t make an American say a German word, not for one single goddamn second. This movie reminds me of a home with no dust inside, and that’s how you know it’s a made up hell place. It’s very beautiful and very cold and you’re not allowed to touch anything. In theaters now! You can read my review here. 

 

That’s it. After this there’s nothing.

 

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